Tired!

I'm so tired. No like really tired. What is wrong with me? I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant because well you know with all my drama. But I am tired. I can sleep 10 hours and still wake up groggy, have 2 sodas during the day and still can't keep my eyes open on the treadmill, and well the working out has gone to the birds. I'm lucky if I can get to the gym 3 days a week.
Don't you hate when you feel so lazy? I wonder how all these people around me get things done. Things I can't get done. How are their houses so clean, the laundry done, yard beautifully manicured and still able to get dinner on the table? All I want to do is watch On Demand and order pizza.
I think the worst part is my active mind. Of course I think I have cancer, thyroid disorder, hormone imbalance or something medically related. Can't really be anything medical because I've had probably a pint of blood drawn over the last year and surely someone would have noticed some abnormality. I probably just need some antidepressants. Or A Baby would help!

Ahh friends, what would we do without them?

After a long summer of recovering from the devestating miscarriage and recovering mentally, physically and financially from the life changing blow, I have realized how important friends are and how small the world really is.
Let me clarify at the beginning that I love my friends although I'm not very good at showing it. These friends include all my friends, even the those that I haven't talked to in years and by years I mean 15-20 years. I have come to understand more and more every day that having friends is so important.
I am a bad friend and I have said that on this blog and in my head almost every day. My mind is always running and believe it or not I think about random friends every day. A smell or song or situation will trigger the strangest memory and someone I haven't thought about in years will pop into my head. Luckily we have facebook and I can look that person up and reconnect without even making a phone call or speaking to that person (again I am a bad friend.)
Through my infertility/fertility journey I have gotten in touch with and connected with so many new and old friends. I have run into friends from high school in the reproducive endocrinologist office, instant messaged with sisters of friends and received supportive e-mails, messages and letters from relatives, college friends and new friends randomly on good and bad days.
Let me tell you that these friends and messages have kept me from giving up all together and sliding into a deep depression. So let me say, I love you all, thank you for being my friend and thank you for your continued support during my neediness. It's time to move to the next step. Here we go!

The good, the bad and the ugly!

I've never seen the movie "The good, the bad and the ugly" but a student we have observing at the nursing home was talking about that movie and I just thought "wow, that sums up my life right now."

Good: I have great friends who are always supportive of whatever I do, always giving me encouragement not to give up on having a baby some day even though to me it seems so hopeless to me. I was given a promotion at work with more responsibility and more money! Yey me! My husband is great 85% of the time (which we know is a hard thing to find) and I also have a great family with the cutest neices ever!

Bad: This sucks! I go through good and bad days and it's never the same thing that sets me off. I can see a kid walking through the store and just tear up. And mother's day was the worst! I'm not jealous of my friends but it kills me to think that I am the only one in all my groups of friends that doesn't have a kid. Why me?

Ugly: The hormones from this last cycle have totally screwed up my system. I have brown spots all over my face and I am so tired all the time that I can't get back into a routine of working out. My clothes still fit but I feel like I look aweful in my shorts and tank tops but it is too hot to wear anything else. I'm sure it's only noticable to me but I'm just uncomfortable in my skin!

Being Bitter

Don't you hate to be bitter? Lately it seems that I am bitter more often than not. I mean it's only in my head but even then I feel like such a bad person.

So this girl I know says that she is planning on getting pregnant this October and in my head I say "really, really that is going to happen!" I don't want her not to get pregnant because I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I think she should know the reality of things. Shouldn't someone tell her the reality of getting pregnant so she doesn't get her heart broken month after month. But she may be the one percent of women I secretly hate who do get pregnant whenever they want! Why is life so unfair?

I'm trying to enjoy this childless time (like everyone with kids tells us to do) but I feel like I have enjoyed my time and am ready to move forward. But I'm still on the same roller coaster of ups and downs I've been on for the last 6 years. I'm starting to get motion sickness and dizzy on this ride. I'm ready for the kiddy ride already.

Why?

Why do we have to keep going through this over and over again? For 6 wonderful weeks we were pregnant and I finally felt like I belonged. Belonged in the club known as motherhood until it was torn away again. I question myself everyday: Did I do something wrong? Did I not rest enough? Did I eat something I shouldn't have? Did I not eat enough? What is wrong with my body that I can't get pregnant on my own or carry a baby to full term?

Jason and I are questioning ourselves now thinking maybe we have gotten pregnant on our own but my body rejects it before it settles in. Maybe like Monica on Friends, I have a hostile environment and I attack our babies. How do you even find out if that is the case?

I know tons of women go through miscarriages but haven't we gone through enough. Can't we catch a break somewhere. I feel so defective. The worst is the pitying looks we get from everyone. We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant that we told too many people instead of waiting the 12 weeks that is recommended and now we have to tell them that it is gone.

I still dream of getting pregnant on our own but still know that the odds are against us.

Plan B

So Wednesday a week ago (March 23rd) we had 2 embryos transferred. The embryos looked awesome, if I do say so myself, and the RE said that everything on the ultrasound looked good. Jason chuckled when the RE was saying everything looked good because he was doing the transfer at the time and it seemed (to Jason anyway) that the RE was commented on my "va-jj." And so now is the two week wait (2WW) where I second guess every thing I do and check and double check every time I take my meds. The girls I work with have been awesome and won't let me lift a thing, not even a patient. I spotted on Monday and Tuesday and in a panic called my nurse who stated it was probably my cervix bleeding from the vaginal inserts. So apparently they can go too far up and I was not being nice to myself. Who knew! Well tomorrow is the day. The day we find out if we are pregnant! I go back and forth, hour to hour. Positive. Negative. Positive. Negative. Right now I'm having mild cramps, which scares the hell out of me because to me cramps mean period. How else should I think. That is all I've known. What's helping me get through is thinking of a back up plan. Everyone needs a back up plan or Plan B. What ever you call it. I guess we are on Plan F or G regarding having a baby. Right now knowing that this is not the end of the world and we can get a baby through foster or adoption is the only way I can sleep at night. So hopefully I will be able to sleep some tonite.

What to do?

So the problem is: Should I go to the clothing party or should I say home tonite? I accepted an invitation last week to a clothing party that one of my friends is hosting tonite. It sounds like fun but I don't want to go.

First of all we're broke from spending all our money on fertility treatments and I look and feel like crap from all of the meds I'm on. I've gained weight, my clothes don't fit right, I can't stop sweating, and I'm dizzy. The biggest problem though is that alot of the people going have new babies. I don't have anything against the new babies or the new mommies but I want to cry everytime I think about seeing them. Why do they get to have a baby and I don't? And most of them got pregnant on accident or on the first try. What the hell! I mean really.

So I'm going to stay home. I don't want to have to go into the whole story again and have all of the people shoot me those looks of pity. My wallet and all of the guests will thank me later.