The good, the bad and the ugly!

I've never seen the movie "The good, the bad and the ugly" but a student we have observing at the nursing home was talking about that movie and I just thought "wow, that sums up my life right now."

Good: I have great friends who are always supportive of whatever I do, always giving me encouragement not to give up on having a baby some day even though to me it seems so hopeless to me. I was given a promotion at work with more responsibility and more money! Yey me! My husband is great 85% of the time (which we know is a hard thing to find) and I also have a great family with the cutest neices ever!

Bad: This sucks! I go through good and bad days and it's never the same thing that sets me off. I can see a kid walking through the store and just tear up. And mother's day was the worst! I'm not jealous of my friends but it kills me to think that I am the only one in all my groups of friends that doesn't have a kid. Why me?

Ugly: The hormones from this last cycle have totally screwed up my system. I have brown spots all over my face and I am so tired all the time that I can't get back into a routine of working out. My clothes still fit but I feel like I look aweful in my shorts and tank tops but it is too hot to wear anything else. I'm sure it's only noticable to me but I'm just uncomfortable in my skin!

Being Bitter

Don't you hate to be bitter? Lately it seems that I am bitter more often than not. I mean it's only in my head but even then I feel like such a bad person.

So this girl I know says that she is planning on getting pregnant this October and in my head I say "really, really that is going to happen!" I don't want her not to get pregnant because I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I think she should know the reality of things. Shouldn't someone tell her the reality of getting pregnant so she doesn't get her heart broken month after month. But she may be the one percent of women I secretly hate who do get pregnant whenever they want! Why is life so unfair?

I'm trying to enjoy this childless time (like everyone with kids tells us to do) but I feel like I have enjoyed my time and am ready to move forward. But I'm still on the same roller coaster of ups and downs I've been on for the last 6 years. I'm starting to get motion sickness and dizzy on this ride. I'm ready for the kiddy ride already.

Why?

Why do we have to keep going through this over and over again? For 6 wonderful weeks we were pregnant and I finally felt like I belonged. Belonged in the club known as motherhood until it was torn away again. I question myself everyday: Did I do something wrong? Did I not rest enough? Did I eat something I shouldn't have? Did I not eat enough? What is wrong with my body that I can't get pregnant on my own or carry a baby to full term?

Jason and I are questioning ourselves now thinking maybe we have gotten pregnant on our own but my body rejects it before it settles in. Maybe like Monica on Friends, I have a hostile environment and I attack our babies. How do you even find out if that is the case?

I know tons of women go through miscarriages but haven't we gone through enough. Can't we catch a break somewhere. I feel so defective. The worst is the pitying looks we get from everyone. We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant that we told too many people instead of waiting the 12 weeks that is recommended and now we have to tell them that it is gone.

I still dream of getting pregnant on our own but still know that the odds are against us.

Plan B

So Wednesday a week ago (March 23rd) we had 2 embryos transferred. The embryos looked awesome, if I do say so myself, and the RE said that everything on the ultrasound looked good. Jason chuckled when the RE was saying everything looked good because he was doing the transfer at the time and it seemed (to Jason anyway) that the RE was commented on my "va-jj." And so now is the two week wait (2WW) where I second guess every thing I do and check and double check every time I take my meds. The girls I work with have been awesome and won't let me lift a thing, not even a patient. I spotted on Monday and Tuesday and in a panic called my nurse who stated it was probably my cervix bleeding from the vaginal inserts. So apparently they can go too far up and I was not being nice to myself. Who knew! Well tomorrow is the day. The day we find out if we are pregnant! I go back and forth, hour to hour. Positive. Negative. Positive. Negative. Right now I'm having mild cramps, which scares the hell out of me because to me cramps mean period. How else should I think. That is all I've known. What's helping me get through is thinking of a back up plan. Everyone needs a back up plan or Plan B. What ever you call it. I guess we are on Plan F or G regarding having a baby. Right now knowing that this is not the end of the world and we can get a baby through foster or adoption is the only way I can sleep at night. So hopefully I will be able to sleep some tonite.

What to do?

So the problem is: Should I go to the clothing party or should I say home tonite? I accepted an invitation last week to a clothing party that one of my friends is hosting tonite. It sounds like fun but I don't want to go.

First of all we're broke from spending all our money on fertility treatments and I look and feel like crap from all of the meds I'm on. I've gained weight, my clothes don't fit right, I can't stop sweating, and I'm dizzy. The biggest problem though is that alot of the people going have new babies. I don't have anything against the new babies or the new mommies but I want to cry everytime I think about seeing them. Why do they get to have a baby and I don't? And most of them got pregnant on accident or on the first try. What the hell! I mean really.

So I'm going to stay home. I don't want to have to go into the whole story again and have all of the people shoot me those looks of pity. My wallet and all of the guests will thank me later.

Giving up infertility for Lent

Every year my family attempts at giving up something for Lent. No we are not Catholic but it just seems like the least we could do, you know. Most years I give up something food or drink related like sugar, bread, caffine, alcohol ...... all the hard stuff. Then I wait impatiently for 40 days and 40 nights until I can return to normal life.

So back story, I've becomed obsessed with being infertile. I never thought I would join those numbers or ever consider my self infertile but I have finally owned up to it and admit: "Hello my name is Becky and I am infertile." I love to read the infertility blogs. They say everything that I am thinking, they make me chuckle, and they are oddly comforting knowing that someone else out there is in the same boat that I am.

I have really great friends here in Carrollton where we live and through PT school who don't (unknowingly) throw it in my face daily that they have kids and I don't. I'm always invited to kids birthday parties and mommy and me get togethers and weekend cookouts with families. I mean, I'm an extra set of eyes anyway right! They always ask where we are in our fertility process and never, ever say "just relax, it will happen." But I know I am becoming slightly irriating with all my medical problems, surgeries and medicine protocol.

So this Lent I am giving up infertility. For the next 40 days, I declare that I am fertile. I am still taking my medicine for our IVF cycle this month (I need all the help I can get you know) but I am going to try to give up all the negative thoughts and obsession. Hopefully I can contribute to conversations without unknowingly bringing up the fact that I feel like crap, hormonal, hungery and bloated. The least I can do is try, right?

Infertile for a year

So it has been a long year. I'm not going to say I have been too busy to post on my blog. Truthfully I have spent alot of time on my couch (doctors orders for some of it). February and March of 2010 we tried IUI (artifical insemination) without success and decided to take the summer and "relax" with the hopes of becoming pregnant on our own. No luck there. Big suprise I know. Jason and I had settled on adoption in August but then I changed my mind, 'cause I can do that, and decided to try IVF (invitro fertilization). We got the go ahead at the end of December and after 2 weeks of shots, a painful egg retrival, 14 mature embryos and an embryo transfer, we were devistated to learn that we were not pregnant. So our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) decided to schedule some tests and see if we could find out what went wrong. So tests (I won't go into all the messy details) revealed that I have polyps in my uterus. Thankfully my regular ob/gyn is in tight with my RE and agreed to remove my polyps and perform a D&C. Surgery went well however I did not feel well after surgery and found my self parked on the couch for 4 days. And that brings me to this week where I am taking daily shots of Lupron (a hormone suppressing hormone for my endometriosis) and varying pills of hormones to get ready for another round of IVF, the frozen variety. I am going to try and be better about posting, more for selfish, therapeutic reasons than to keep my few followers informed, though I do love you. See ya soon.