Oh well!

Well we failed. We were successful in getting pregnant but found out at our 8 week ultrasound that the fetus stopped growing at 6 weeks and did not have a heartbeat. We were devestated but we both agreed that we were in pins and needles waiting for something bad to happen. We were waiting until 12 weeks to tell anyone so luckily we didn't have to untell anyone. My hormones are finally back under control but I'm still a bit sensitive and tear up at unexpected things. The big question is what next? I was watching Juno the other day and it made me think outside the box about having a baby. Our options of having our own have almost disappeared and we have no money to adopt so I was thinking foster to adopt or ....hmmm maybe going to a unplanned pregnancy center and putting up an ad. "Unfertile mom looking for baby" Is that too desperate?

Life

So life. It's so rare I think. For so long we have tried to create life without success. After tons of spent money and pain causing shots we are on the brink again. Will we (along with our doctor) create life? Well, Jason and I will know tomorrow and everyone else will find out in April. Wish us luck!

Here we go again

So we have officially kicked off our third and final attempt at IVF. We have a couple months to get to the final step but I went in today for my yearly blood work and test for polyps. It was good news today because I can skip ahead to the body prep process because I don't have any polyps. Yey!!!!!!
However before we can get down to the important stuff, Jason and I have to talk finances and what month we can get to the good stuff. I've already started picking up some of my meds for this cycle as we have already met our medical deductable after all the crap I've had to go through this year. This time I'm going to, as the doctor puts it, be hit with the kitchen sink. I think he meant everything but the kitchen sink but I grasp the concept. So I'm going to be on blood thinners for possible blood clotting disorder, glucophage for PCOS and extra dose of progesterone along the all the estrogen, progestrone and Lupron from the last cycle.
I'm afraid to feel good or confident this cycle. I'm trying not to read into possible "signs" whenever I go to the doctor or pick up my meds. The last two cycles I'd feel good about everything if traffic was good, I didn't have to wait too long in the waiting room and the doctor remembered little details about me. This time I hope I can just be confident in the cycle and trust that God will lay his hands on me during the process and make everything positive.

Sound-proof room

When I was in the 6th grade my parents decided to move and at the time I felt that they bought the coolest house ever because it had a sound proof room in the basement. The people who had lived in the house before us had a son who fancied himself a recording artist and had a studio in the basement. Now it definitely wasn't RCA studios (it had carpet on the walls) but it worked. If you closed the door and screamed real loud, no one could hear you. It was awesome when my sister and I were playing flashlight tag with our friends on a rainy day.
I would give anything right now to have one minute in that room. I just want to scream and yell and kick ..... a tire or something. I am so mad and upset lately. It seems that nothing can go as I plan. I've tried all kinds of conventional and non-conventional fertility treatments and still nothing works. Some days I'm ok with it and other days I start my period or hear that someone I know is "pregnant again."
How do I get through this? It's hard to take a deep breath or move forward with the next plan. I'm not used to giving up and I don't want to do it now but I don't know how much more I can take. I may not be suitable for public either because I feel like I could blow at any minute. Watch out or I may spew all over you.

Tired!

I'm so tired. No like really tired. What is wrong with me? I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant because well you know with all my drama. But I am tired. I can sleep 10 hours and still wake up groggy, have 2 sodas during the day and still can't keep my eyes open on the treadmill, and well the working out has gone to the birds. I'm lucky if I can get to the gym 3 days a week.
Don't you hate when you feel so lazy? I wonder how all these people around me get things done. Things I can't get done. How are their houses so clean, the laundry done, yard beautifully manicured and still able to get dinner on the table? All I want to do is watch On Demand and order pizza.
I think the worst part is my active mind. Of course I think I have cancer, thyroid disorder, hormone imbalance or something medically related. Can't really be anything medical because I've had probably a pint of blood drawn over the last year and surely someone would have noticed some abnormality. I probably just need some antidepressants. Or A Baby would help!

Ahh friends, what would we do without them?

After a long summer of recovering from the devestating miscarriage and recovering mentally, physically and financially from the life changing blow, I have realized how important friends are and how small the world really is.
Let me clarify at the beginning that I love my friends although I'm not very good at showing it. These friends include all my friends, even the those that I haven't talked to in years and by years I mean 15-20 years. I have come to understand more and more every day that having friends is so important.
I am a bad friend and I have said that on this blog and in my head almost every day. My mind is always running and believe it or not I think about random friends every day. A smell or song or situation will trigger the strangest memory and someone I haven't thought about in years will pop into my head. Luckily we have facebook and I can look that person up and reconnect without even making a phone call or speaking to that person (again I am a bad friend.)
Through my infertility/fertility journey I have gotten in touch with and connected with so many new and old friends. I have run into friends from high school in the reproducive endocrinologist office, instant messaged with sisters of friends and received supportive e-mails, messages and letters from relatives, college friends and new friends randomly on good and bad days.
Let me tell you that these friends and messages have kept me from giving up all together and sliding into a deep depression. So let me say, I love you all, thank you for being my friend and thank you for your continued support during my neediness. It's time to move to the next step. Here we go!

The good, the bad and the ugly!

I've never seen the movie "The good, the bad and the ugly" but a student we have observing at the nursing home was talking about that movie and I just thought "wow, that sums up my life right now."

Good: I have great friends who are always supportive of whatever I do, always giving me encouragement not to give up on having a baby some day even though to me it seems so hopeless to me. I was given a promotion at work with more responsibility and more money! Yey me! My husband is great 85% of the time (which we know is a hard thing to find) and I also have a great family with the cutest neices ever!

Bad: This sucks! I go through good and bad days and it's never the same thing that sets me off. I can see a kid walking through the store and just tear up. And mother's day was the worst! I'm not jealous of my friends but it kills me to think that I am the only one in all my groups of friends that doesn't have a kid. Why me?

Ugly: The hormones from this last cycle have totally screwed up my system. I have brown spots all over my face and I am so tired all the time that I can't get back into a routine of working out. My clothes still fit but I feel like I look aweful in my shorts and tank tops but it is too hot to wear anything else. I'm sure it's only noticable to me but I'm just uncomfortable in my skin!