Plan B

So Wednesday a week ago (March 23rd) we had 2 embryos transferred. The embryos looked awesome, if I do say so myself, and the RE said that everything on the ultrasound looked good. Jason chuckled when the RE was saying everything looked good because he was doing the transfer at the time and it seemed (to Jason anyway) that the RE was commented on my "va-jj." And so now is the two week wait (2WW) where I second guess every thing I do and check and double check every time I take my meds. The girls I work with have been awesome and won't let me lift a thing, not even a patient. I spotted on Monday and Tuesday and in a panic called my nurse who stated it was probably my cervix bleeding from the vaginal inserts. So apparently they can go too far up and I was not being nice to myself. Who knew! Well tomorrow is the day. The day we find out if we are pregnant! I go back and forth, hour to hour. Positive. Negative. Positive. Negative. Right now I'm having mild cramps, which scares the hell out of me because to me cramps mean period. How else should I think. That is all I've known. What's helping me get through is thinking of a back up plan. Everyone needs a back up plan or Plan B. What ever you call it. I guess we are on Plan F or G regarding having a baby. Right now knowing that this is not the end of the world and we can get a baby through foster or adoption is the only way I can sleep at night. So hopefully I will be able to sleep some tonite.

What to do?

So the problem is: Should I go to the clothing party or should I say home tonite? I accepted an invitation last week to a clothing party that one of my friends is hosting tonite. It sounds like fun but I don't want to go.

First of all we're broke from spending all our money on fertility treatments and I look and feel like crap from all of the meds I'm on. I've gained weight, my clothes don't fit right, I can't stop sweating, and I'm dizzy. The biggest problem though is that alot of the people going have new babies. I don't have anything against the new babies or the new mommies but I want to cry everytime I think about seeing them. Why do they get to have a baby and I don't? And most of them got pregnant on accident or on the first try. What the hell! I mean really.

So I'm going to stay home. I don't want to have to go into the whole story again and have all of the people shoot me those looks of pity. My wallet and all of the guests will thank me later.

Giving up infertility for Lent

Every year my family attempts at giving up something for Lent. No we are not Catholic but it just seems like the least we could do, you know. Most years I give up something food or drink related like sugar, bread, caffine, alcohol ...... all the hard stuff. Then I wait impatiently for 40 days and 40 nights until I can return to normal life.

So back story, I've becomed obsessed with being infertile. I never thought I would join those numbers or ever consider my self infertile but I have finally owned up to it and admit: "Hello my name is Becky and I am infertile." I love to read the infertility blogs. They say everything that I am thinking, they make me chuckle, and they are oddly comforting knowing that someone else out there is in the same boat that I am.

I have really great friends here in Carrollton where we live and through PT school who don't (unknowingly) throw it in my face daily that they have kids and I don't. I'm always invited to kids birthday parties and mommy and me get togethers and weekend cookouts with families. I mean, I'm an extra set of eyes anyway right! They always ask where we are in our fertility process and never, ever say "just relax, it will happen." But I know I am becoming slightly irriating with all my medical problems, surgeries and medicine protocol.

So this Lent I am giving up infertility. For the next 40 days, I declare that I am fertile. I am still taking my medicine for our IVF cycle this month (I need all the help I can get you know) but I am going to try to give up all the negative thoughts and obsession. Hopefully I can contribute to conversations without unknowingly bringing up the fact that I feel like crap, hormonal, hungery and bloated. The least I can do is try, right?

Infertile for a year

So it has been a long year. I'm not going to say I have been too busy to post on my blog. Truthfully I have spent alot of time on my couch (doctors orders for some of it). February and March of 2010 we tried IUI (artifical insemination) without success and decided to take the summer and "relax" with the hopes of becoming pregnant on our own. No luck there. Big suprise I know. Jason and I had settled on adoption in August but then I changed my mind, 'cause I can do that, and decided to try IVF (invitro fertilization). We got the go ahead at the end of December and after 2 weeks of shots, a painful egg retrival, 14 mature embryos and an embryo transfer, we were devistated to learn that we were not pregnant. So our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) decided to schedule some tests and see if we could find out what went wrong. So tests (I won't go into all the messy details) revealed that I have polyps in my uterus. Thankfully my regular ob/gyn is in tight with my RE and agreed to remove my polyps and perform a D&C. Surgery went well however I did not feel well after surgery and found my self parked on the couch for 4 days. And that brings me to this week where I am taking daily shots of Lupron (a hormone suppressing hormone for my endometriosis) and varying pills of hormones to get ready for another round of IVF, the frozen variety. I am going to try and be better about posting, more for selfish, therapeutic reasons than to keep my few followers informed, though I do love you. See ya soon.